Yesterday was a rough one...

All day yesterday my heart just felt heavy. It seemed as if I had a black cloud hovering above me, and I could not figure out why. I thought perhaps it's because I know the 2 year anniversary of Quinn and Addison's birth and death is approaching - which I'm dreading, but I didn't think that was the entire reason for feeling so down. Then at bedtime I realized that yesterday, two years ago (to the day) we found out that we were having a boy and a girl! I remember feeling on that day that my life had just been made. After trying for 3 years, surgeries, medications, and finally IVF, we were finally blessed - double blessed. While thinking about that day and the joy we felt, the pain of our loss rushed over and through me. I suddenly remembered every single heart wrenching detail from that horrible ordeal, and I fell to pieces. For hours I was trapped within my memories and it took a tear stained pillow to finally let go for the time being. I'm sad today, but not as sad as I was yesterday. I HATE that this is my reality, but it is.

And thinking about all we've gone through - I'm just so extremely grateful for Braydon. He's brought so much light, life, joy, happiness, excitement, hope, love, peace, fulfillment, contentment, and so much more into our lives. I treasure every single moment with him and thank God for giving us our miracle that is Braydon.

The two year anniversary is Jan. 4, and I'm already trying to prepare myself for how I might feel. I was pregnant with Braydon during the first anniversary and feeling him move about inside my belly, not only reminded me that God works in mysterious ways, and that life does go on, but it also really helped in softening the ache of remembering our beautiful babies - 2 little souls we'll never know, yet love endlessly and miss everyday. I imagine now that Braydon's here and dominating our hearts (and house), he'll help to guide us through this one day and warm our mending hearts with his love, smiles, laughs, cooing, hugs, and silliness.