Tuesday, December 1, 2009

This is me being raw and honest... not my typical up-beat post

This time of year, since 2007, has once again caught me off guard. I see "it" approaching in the weeks and months prior; I can see "it, this time" veering straight for me, and yet I'm still caught off guard.

I hate that almost every single time I see boy/girl twins at their various ages and stages, I feel an instant pain pierce through my heart. A pain that nearly stops me in my tracks, a pain that can sometimes cause tears to well, tears I have to force back. I hate that each time I see other family's perfect, miraculous twins, the memories of what happened to us flash through my mind, burning the heart wrenching images into my thoughts, the images I try so hard to forget. I hate the extra reminders of what will never be for us. I hate that the hole in my heart (as well as Tyson's) is still there. I hate that Braydon has a brother and sister he'll never know -- a brother and sister we only had fleeting, yet cherished moments with.

This past week, it seems as if every single time I try to fall asleep I re-live the birth of Quinn and Addison. I can see their perfect micro-preemie faces, hands, fingers, feet, toes, lips, ears, hair... ALL of their perfect little features. I can still feel the sensation of touching them, still remember how it felt to hold them, both wrapped within the same blanket. I can still vividly see Quinn reaching his arms out to me as his sister was being born. I still remember the the expression on Addison's face, a look of such peace, as if knowing her time with me/us was meant to brief.

This coming December 6th marks the 3 year anniversary of the day we found out we were having a son and a daughter, Quinn and Addison. Three years ago this coming January 3rd we found out we were losing them, and three years ago this coming January 4th we said our sad good-byes.

Every year since our sad, sudden, unfair, tragic, and can't-make-sense-of-this parting, early December to early January always wears on me. My tears are always just beneath the surface, and I wish I were stronger than I am right now, and have been in the past.

I can and will say that even though the holes in our hearts are still present, the space around our wounds has expanded exponentially. Braydon brought us back to life, brought us a love so profound, it cannot be explained. He is our world, and our life, and it's because of him we walk through our moments of darkness with our hearts full of love, fueled by our love and devotion for him and our little family.

This time will pass, as it has since since 2007, and we will continue to walk through this having grown even stronger than the year before. It's in these moments I take the time to truly reflect on how great our life is now. To thank God for the blessings he's rained down upon us, to thank God for getting us through a time I thought would have certainly killed us. On one hand I never knew such a pain existed, and on the other, we're now (and have been) living the fulfilled and joy-filled life we feared would never come to be.

I'm so thrilled and grateful that Tyson and I are able to experience a love so pure, so overwhelming, that it renders us speechless and warms our hearts with joy, sheer happiness, and pride. Braydon is more than anything we could have ever dreamed of, and yet is our answered prayer. He's our perfection -- he's the one who mended our broken hearts.

So, I'll end with this:
I'm sad right now, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not, or pretend that these anniversaries don't affect me, because they do. I just needed an outlet to vent right now without it turning into a discussion.
Braydon and Tyson are my world, my heart, and my life. I'd be lost without them -- they are the center of me, they are what motivates me.
Lastly, I do have friends who have boy/girl twins (The Warrens), and what they have, it does not affect me even a little. I love them and only want the best for them -- I love that their world and hearts are so full of love. I love babies Caprice and Carson, and I hope they will someday be Braydon's buddies.


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Brittany and Drew said...

I can't even imagine how you must feel but I think you are amazing for always handling that tragedy with such grace. I still think of Quinn and Addison from time to time so please know that they I will never forget about them. My prayers are with you. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain.

Its A Corny Life... said...

My heart is breaking for you. I know there isn't really anything I can say to make this time of year any easier, but know that you are in my thoughts. I know how difficult this time must be and it's ok to feel the way you do.

Hugs from SoCal...

Membership Required said...

I read this post somedays back and just couldnt respond. I couldnt find the words to say what I was thinking. I dont think I have any. I remember that time in your life so vividly and wish you had been spared all that pain. I wish you had three this year rushing to the tree. That you never had to suffer this annual strain on your heart. I pray for you and your family. I know that God will bless you all richly in other measures. Hugs, ML
PS. Campbell loves Addison's blanket by the way.