Friday, April 2, 2010

I'm struggling with this 3rd anniversary...

... I don't know exactly why, but I'm absolutely struggling with my grief of losing Quinn and Addison this year. This anniversary has hit me harder than it has the first two years.

It's not as if I don't always think of them, which I have and do since the day they left us. But now I'm actually wrestling with my grief over the questions with which I'll never receive answers.

I can't help but wander what they would look like. What their personalities would be. Would Quinn be a big boy like Braydon - would Addison be petite like her Mimi, or a chunk like I was as a baby/toddler? What color would their eyes be? What would their favorite foods, books, toys, shows, activities, friends, etc. be? What would they like or dislike? Or how would their laughs sound? How would they sound when they talked? Would they have "twin-language"? Would they be best friends or fight constantly?

These and so many other questions constantly roll around in my thoughts, and at times, it damn near paralyzes me. Of course I keep these thoughts/emotions at bay when Braydon's awake, but as soon as he goes down for his nap, they come flooding in and it just exhausts me. I don't know why I can't just let it go!!! I KNOW someday we will be reunited, but these questions, especially since the 3rd anniversary, overwhelm me.

I don't give an actual voice to these thoughts, because I honestly don't want to talk about it. Thankfully, once Tyson gets home from work, the thoughts/questions are put to rest til Braydon's next nap time. I welcome these breaks because when the questions are present, all of the emotions I don't like to feel almost always consume me for at least an hour.

I guess I'm just posting this in an attempt to vent, and to possibly put these thoughts to bed for good. I KNOW I'll never get my answers. Besides, if Quinn and Addison were here, Braydon wouldn't be and that thought alone is unbearable. He and Tyson are my world. Why I can't just focus on that, I just don't know. Perhaps I need to let myself feel the pain/grief again, release some super bottled up tears, and move forward til this grief sidelines me once again, which I know it will.

Sorry for this downer of a post. I just really needed to vent.

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The Layman Family said...

i love you beth. i can't imagine the pain and sorrow you have to face everyday. i don't think that will ever really completely go away, but hopefully someday you will be able to be at peace with it all. i'll be praying for you!

Brittany and Drew said...

I can't imagine what you must go through. Please feel free to vent to me anytime. It always helps to just have a good cry! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Membership Required said...

I have been coming back and forth to this post. Not knowing what to say. I dont know if you will ever be truly over something like that but I am praying that God grants you peace over this matter in your heart. I am sure that they would have been a stunning duo and that your lives would have been blessed to have watched them grow. However, know that they gave you a chance to love them even for a short time and a little brother to lavish with double the love. You always come to mind when I see a b/g set. Hugs, ML